Bitter Wives Club

Ohmigod Bridezillas. I ask again, what is wrong with these people? And when did they all get fat and poor? I’ve never seen so many poor people with such a huge sense of entitlement. Not that I think rich people have a right to run around like assholes, either. There’s a thing called class and it is one of those things money can’t buy. If I were poor, I’d hope to be a classy poor person. Obviously these boneheads don’t see it the same way.

Coco and I got to talking about her previous post about Valique and Yohan and she suggested I catch up on last week’s insanity. This episode continues the story of Melissa G. — the self proclaimed “Spoiled Butterfly Princess” — and introduces us to Jessica. I’m reserving this post for Melissa and will get to Jessica later.

We start with a quick re-cap of Melissa’s first segment. The thing that stood out to me the most was that she had a friend (or her sister?) dye her hair with a $7.99 kit and then freaked the fuck out when it didn’t come out right. She demanded that her future husband pay to have her hair professionally colored. Can I ask why she didn’t just do that in the first place?! Corrective color is far more expensive than just having it done right the first time. Also, if someone’s going to put on this self-important “IT’S MY DAY!” attitude, one would think a professional dye job would factor into the budget somehow.

Commercial Break: Ok, I’m watching this shit on demand, so I expect there to be like 2 commercials (if any). 11. 11 fucking commercials. Are you kidding me?

Back to “Spoiled Butterfly Princess” Melissa G. She’s 31 and both she and future husband work in a call center. Sad. This gal needs to spread her wings because that doesn’t sound like a spoiled life to me. Come to Stepford and I’ll show you spoiled. One day here and you’ll wipe the word “spoiled” straight outta your vocabulary. I understand that there’s such a thing as being “emotionally spoiled”, but I’ll bet dollars to donuts that this ain’t what she’s talking about. And, my dear, YOU ARE 31. Playtime is over. Let’s focus on getting your ass promoted out of that call center and maybe (and that’s a big maybe) you’ll be able to play with the big dogs.

Commercial Break: 15 commercials. What. The. Fuck. It’s still irritating even though I can fast forward.

We have also learned that Melissa G. is a recovering alcoholic and has been clean for 4 years. I want to extend a sincere congratulations her way for that and hope that she is still taking her sobriety seriously. She raised all sorts of holy hell about wanting to drink at her bachelorette party while nervous family members begged her not to. In the end, she agreed that it was a bad idea and decided against drinking during the festivities. Satisfied with her decision, she settles down for a snack.

She gets geared up to attend the party and decides to wear a pimp hat and butterfly wings (“Spoiled Butterfly Princess, y’all!”). Poor little soul looked like a kid playing dress-up. Then again, she has the mentality of a child, so I guess it makes sense. Clown costume perfected, they head out for her big evening…

…where everyone is drunk off their asses. What the fuck? I’m sorry, but my friends would be considerate enough of me to go without alcohol for ONE night — especially if the party was for me. Throw that shit in her face, why don’t you? That is 100% disrespectful. Melissa almost threw down with one drunky in particular, but my question is, why single her out? I can’t believe she is friends with any of these assholes.

Commercial Break: 8 more commercials? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. WE TV, are you going bankrupt or something?

Through all the trials and tribulations of wedding planning, you wouldn’t think that a pedicure would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Oh, but it was in Melissa’s case! She didn’t want her hideously long toenails clipped and went ballistic when the nail tech cut them down to what people would consider to be an appropriate toenail length. She didn’t want them short because apparently she can’t see her toes otherwise. Huh? Melissa G., I suggest you find a different way of finding your toes again because that is not the solution to your problem. It’s just gross. How do you shove those things in closed-toed shoes? Maybe “Spoiled Butterfly Princesses” only wear sandals?

Commercial Break: 11 commercials again! They don’t even play this many commercials when this shit is airing on regular TV. FUCK.

It’s wedding day! Melissa’s glowing from head to (now reasonable length) toenails. Wow. This chick has giant boobies. How can those puppies be hoisted up enough to — ohhhhhh. Noooooo! Are those bra straps that I see? Shit, Melissa. Go with a different dress style or bite the bullet and get the damn thing altered to hold ‘em up. Bra straps showing on your wedding day?! Yelling at your sister because the card box looked “cheap and cheesy” seems so silly now, doesn’t it? It’s not even just the bra straps. It’s the ugly-ass fake bouquets (complete with a white visible plastic bouquet holder). Unreal.

Yay. Ceremony done. You know she’s thinking “gotcha bitch!” in her head. His balls are officially hers to carry in her purse. Maybe let him have them back for special occasions, but I doubt it. Move on to the reception — a “Marie Antoinette Princess” themed event. I didn’t know Marie Antoinette liked plastic tablecloths! I thought she was the definition of opulence and glamour. How silly of me. Trashy cake smashing by the bride? Check. Though, she ran away before he got his chance at payback. I’ll put money on their first dance being to “Butterfly Kisses”.

Next week we get to meet yet another Melissa. This time it’s “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World”. In her words, she’s “every man’s dream, and every woman’s worst nightmare.” Good on ya for having that much self esteem, you fucking troll!

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