Bitter Wives Club

I can’t decide whether I’m madly in love with South Florida or if I hate it with the sort of angry loathing that I hate the Octomom or Kimora Lee Simmons.  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this but I’m torn… I just feel like there’s no middle ground here… you can’t love it and hate it.  Why?  Because I said so.

I hate South Florida.  (And by “South Florida” I’m referring to the greater Miami/Ft. Lauderdale area… not the keys.)  It’s so damn uppity.  And while I’ve only lived in the Keys for a month now, I’ve developed a deep affection for their way of life… flip flops and tank tops are the only clothes you need.  Hell, half the women here don’t wear bras (I mean, I do.  As previously mentioned, I’m a undergarment girl… and the women here that don’t wear bras, really really should… but who am I to judge.)  So in Miami, if you aren’t wearing a bra, it’s only because you’ve gotten the $8000 upgrade (i.e. boobs).  Also, they wear skinny jeans¹.  It’s 90 fucking degrees and humid… the thought of tight moist denim… well, it’s not a happy thought.  It’s a yeast infection waiting to happen.  Plus I’m totally over shopping that I can’t do in my pj’s on the couch.  As I get older, I like crowds less and less.  And as I get older, I also seem to get poorer.  So walking into Dolce and Gabbana is just plain torture.  Fuck this window shopping bullshit (did I mention 90 degrees and humid?), Old Navy has a 50% off sale and free shipping.

But I love South Florida.  Why?  The people watching far surpasses that of anywhere else.  Today I saw a woman at Costco in running shorts and heels (a woman who clearly hasn’t done all that much running) and a grandma in see-through capri pants and a sparkly fedora (I couldn’t possibly make that up.)  But more importantly, as far as I can tell they have the biggest percentage of gay men per capita.  And I LOVE gay men.  (See: obsession with George Michael, not to mention I could play Benny and the Jets over and over… Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!)  I especially love the sassy, good dressing, decorator type of gay men that crowd the shops and restaurants there.

God this is a difficult decision…

¹Text messages from Thursday.

Coco: Who the fuck wears skinny jeans in 90+ degree heat???

Viv: Who the fuck wears skinny jeans?

Coco: Good point.

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